Log: First Kiss Scene

It’s the 12th day of training.

It’s my first time ever doing a kiss on a lip scene. (Just a peck.)

And… it’s a girl!~

I also get to have chance to handle the shoot (only at some simple point)

I was so shy, but I managed to control not to be affected by the shyness so we could do our job there.

We took a few takes, probably.. more than five? Less than 8? I don’t know. Around there.

Though it’s not our first time kissing or to be kissed by a girl, but.. It’s a thing that is normal to be shy about, isn’t it?

It’s a lip-on-lip kiss after all!

Just to be clear, there’s nothing between us personally, at least to me I’m sure there isn’t.

There was also one of the girl who was paired with another person, a guy. The shyness haha, but not much intimacy involved.

For these two shorts, we aren’t done shooting yet. We ended about 01:30 +/-.

Being the last out of four, I finished bathing and washing some of my tops, got out of the washroom at 03:35.

I’m sitting at the corner of the bed right now.

04:15.

I’m gonna start sipping lil bit of wine after I put my phone down (maybe on charge) and hopefully I get to sleep well till the next day maybe 12pm.

Anxiety, but with you.

I’ve been anxious the whole day.

The anxiety hit harder awhile ago, been tryna control, suppress it down.

This reminded me of myself having anxiety attack during the days years ago.

Anxiety hit me hard, I could feel that kind of relief when you were there. The relief that I was able to feel only when I was with you. Your presence gave such huge impact in my life.

I’ve never realised that you were the only one who could gave me extra relieved moments until you were never here again.

The US, and us.

I decided to go to The US. I was so determined.

Months later when it was nearing to the date that I was gonna fly, I got scared. Terrified, because I know no one in the whole US. I felt terribly terrified even until the days I’ve handed and lived for the first fee days, weeks or months until I saw someone.

It was sort of like a social event where everyone wore smartly, elegantly.

In the crowd, I spotted a figure that caught my attention. The figure that gave an optimistic aura. I walked a little nearer, the voice that gave me surprises. I walked over, the smell that brought back memories.

Oh, I know, I shouldn’t be in your life anymore.

But this is the US! We meet amongst the whole lots of number of people. I thought.

As I walked over, and stretched my arm and reached my finger tips over to you, tapping your back-right shoulder.

You were carried away of what was happening in front of you with the others. I didn’t know who, and I didn’t bothered to look at any of em.

I reached my fingers over again, trying a lil hard to catch your attention.

You turned over, caught my heart.

Ours eyes met with surprises, mixed of happiness and sadness.

I looked into your eyes, deep to your soul, then realised, I shouldn’t. I walked away in misery.

Hoping you would come over. But I guessed you didn’t.

I don’t know how, but we met again, and you were different. Something was different, but you were still you. You confronted, saying something that I can’t exactly remember. But I knew you were giving a message that told me not to just leave like that, and not to give up.

You said, “we are over, right?”

I thought.. *yeah.. but.. but.. (no)*

I couldn’t say a word to that.

And you said, “we are.”

I shattered, but I saw a change of thoughts from your facial expressions, like as if you had something in mind that you’ve always wanted to say.

We started meeting up a lil regularly.

You even accompanied me, to school, helping me out with homework, just like how we used to in the past.

We even had some sort of a fight. You confronted with “you can’t go on by yourself, your English isn’t that good.” Like I was so pathetic, and I know it was a fact. I wouldn’t deny that, but I can’t say I didn’t feel humiliated, and heart broken.

It was like an orientation tour, and then we sat for unplanned tests. The pens and pencils were giving me problems. But you weren’t anywhere I could see you, I failed to handle a stationery. There were some random people trying to help me out, despite being busy with their papers on their desks.

Ah, I saw you all the way back, behind the door. One helpless, and another useless.

I dreamt of you again, the dream ended weirdly, but dreaming of you, gave me ease.

Awkward Thing During The Shoot

We were filming.

There was no fix rule on whether how we gonna turn out to be.

One of the shoot that we did

Person A, on the ground, and will have to change to a standing position, and I will be the one still standing.

There was about two seconds pause, because Person A thought I would be helping her to stand up. I didn’t thought of that. I assumed she was gonna get up by herself. I was trying to recall what I was supposed to do in the scene, but nothing came into my mind, and that happened.

Okay, it was awkward. It would be better if I’d given her a hand.

Ahhhhh. That was so awkward. And it’s still so awkward as I think about it again and again.

ヽ(;▽;)ノ

又是对你说的一些话

相信我在为几年前的分手事件而哭吗

(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

我曾拥有你

分手后我没想过我还能这么地想你

这几年我一直都在想你

这几年因为我心里还有你

自然地以为我还拥有着你

其实我已经彻底从你生活的一部分降到最低了

「你是否已爱上了别人」居然是我挣扎的其中一个原因

就像以前我们还在一起的时候

看着你和你自己的朋友一起嗨

而没入你社交圈的我 除了寂寞就是心里不舒服

心里不舒服 不是因为孤独 而是…

而是…

而是…

吃醋了。我一直都很讨厌我是吃着醋的那个人。

我从来都不愿意表达自己吃醋的样子。我只想做一个大方又能接纳对方的一切。

但事实上我并没有自己想象得那么大方………

在那些时候,心里特别难受。憋着更难受。我甚至想过了断自己,让自己麻醉。直到你的注意力回到我身边,我才感到安抚。

我其实是多么的依赖你。但我却那么地执着于逞强。估计…你都不知道我这些对你的秘密。

我现在,和我们互相相爱的几年前的我,一样难受。甚至…难受又孤独。至少以前还能得到你的安抚,现在…没有任何人知道也没有任何人能像你一样能让我好受些…

我……

我………

真的很想再和以前一样和你拥有共同时光…

但是…没有什么是能回得去的。

我也不妄想回得去。

我只想能再和你好好聊聊天,随时分享我们的生活,做什么事都想和对方分享。

我想不尴尬又没有顾虑地祝你未来生日快乐…

我想万一我又把你生日给忘了,你能惩罚我 而不是理解烂透了的我…

我想在我心痛得不行又说不了话的时候你是那个出现在我面前给我一个简单又充满爱的拥抱。

我希望在你艰难的时候 我是陪着你向前走的那个人……………… 只可惜…这些…我再也不配对你说了…

估计…你也更不需要我了…

A Random Thought: Death, I.

My view when I just woke up this morning.

If I were dying, I’d done my best to keep myself safe. Sorry to leave those who loved me behind, but I tried and I did. Leave it all to fate, all is well, you’ll be well.

If I were dying, my biggest regret is not having to fulfil my dream. Not even half, and that, made me started tearing. (As a human.)

If I were dying, my biggest regret could be the last thing I did out of indiscipline, even though I was still a human, but I could have not done it to make my human life history better. (After death.)